US Department of Promised Land Security
Raises Afterlife Security Threat Level to CODE ORANGE
or somewhere between red and pink (salmon?), whichever is more frightening to the public at large and/or the large, super-sized public at huger
Credible intelligence indicates a rise in fact seeking amongst US citizens who may actually vote in future elections. DOPLS concerned, raises threat level.
Due to a disturbing acceleration in curiosity amongst the general population in dangerous philosophies and weird-looking hats, accompanied by increased activity in libraries across the nation, plus a growing and dangerous disinterest in internet search engines, the Department of Promised Land Security (DOPLS) has raised the present AFTERLIFE SECURITY THREAT LEVEL to code orange until further notice. DOPLS officials claim they have media-worthy evidence that large samples of the US population are seeking alternatives to our consistently-defective, faith- and financial-based existence. These alternatives include the ability to think on a rational level without fear, a behavior that DOPLS deems dangerous to the better good of the public.
DOPLS advises both caution and diligence in the rooting out and snitching on those individuals who even remotely appear to be thinking on their own. If in doubt, report anyone/anything who/that seeks these items:
• Books by any author who does not have a DOPLS-funded AM/FM/Satellite/SW/LW/MB/CB or any other radio-frequency-band talk show.
• Video content that is non-violent in nature, including content about nature and breasts.
• Media content that does not glorify military life, but shows breasts.
• Any and all types of media that does not have ties to any DOPLS-sanctioned financial, political, and/or religious institution(s), newspaper(s), and magazine(s). This also includes the piece of paper accompanying your prescription and non-prescription drugs, bubble-gum cards, crossword puzzles, and graphics on the top of pizza boxes, plus questionable golf-course rules, cigar wrappers with instructions written in Spanish, and non-copyrighted hotel books. Of course, this includes breasts.
• This cautionary statement also targets any and all forms of non-DOPLS funded/sanctioned media not yet invented. And it includes breasts that have yet to be fantasized about.
The urgent, critical, vital, and commercially-viable task of protecting all citizens of the USA, both legal and non, from anyone and anything that poses a threat and/or impedance to said beings’ and entities’ swift, safe, and patriotic passage into the afterlife falls upon the shoulders of the DOPLS; your virtual, convergent, and multitasking family.
These threats and/or impedances to your afterlife security include any and all persons, philosophies, theories, hypotheses, teachings, acts of terror including farting in elevators and in the face of the slave behind you on Uncle Sam’s slave ships, non-combustible fuels, non-racial jokes, liberal whining, the study of logic and music history,
dietary supplements, ridiculous facial hair, stupid hats, books, movies, all other forms of media, electronic or other, and breasts, glorious breasts, that the DOPLS deems doody. These do not exclude gastronomic guidelines and everything and everyone else DOPLS decides to destroy, including France, the Encyclopedia Britannica, and National Public Broadcasting.
What Can DOPLS do for you?
• If you start speaking in tongues, we tell you to shut the hell up in every known language including English (sans British accent), ebonics, and, in severe cases of cranial challenge, we can even rap it to you.
• If you start a lying on of hands, we will arrest you for sexual harassment.
• If you start expecting a “rapture”, we kick you in the groin, inducing a rupture.
• If you start seeing spiritual icons in cheese-melt sandwiches, we put you on a low-cholesterol diet and sell your cheese at auction on the internet, assuming it has not proven to be Government Cheese, in which case we send the cheese to the President of the United States of America for further cheese cutting.
• If you start seeing religious icons in broccoli, we send you to celebrity rehab.
• If you see a religious icon start to bleed, report it, and we’ll bandage it. If it continues to bleed, we will apply a tourniquet around its neck, assuming it has one. If that does not work, we put it on a zero-aspirin diet. If that still doesn’t eradicate the vision, let the sucker bleed until empty, we all got to go some time.
• Should you regularly mention the Good Lord’s name, we move you closer to Him, or Her, your “choice”.
• If you have a leap of faith, we make certain you are near a lake, ocean, or on the highest floor of a skyscraper when said leap occurs.
• If you sing, whistle, and/or hum any part or all of Handel’s “Messiah”, you face arrest, criminal charges, and an Internal Revenue Service (IRS) audit. If this behavior occurs around some seasonal holiday(s), you will be shot, hung, flogged, given a lethal injection, and then forced to listen to JS Bach in your afterlife. Water boarding is optional.
• When it’s your time to pass on, or when we decide it’s your time to pass on, we guarantee a choice of smoking or non-smoking caskets, except in cases of cremation whereby we send your sincere apologies to all the Catholic cemeterie$ in your area.
• If you blow yourself up with the expectation of hooking up with 72 virgins in the afterlife, we’ll make sure you meet with 72 Virginians, or Sicilians, our choice. However, if you were a US-friendly spy just trying to confuse the enemy, or avoid a cement enema, we’ll hooker you up with a couple of more experienced women.
What can’t DOPL do for you?
• If you become a “born again” Christian, DOPLS cannot guarantee you’ll receive two birthday cards. We will however help you blow up the candles on both birthday cakes, remembering only one is tax deductible.
Expect future DOPLS correspondences and higher threat levels as we make them up.
Sincerely yours and in the lard we trust,
DOPLS Chief Operating Officer
Mary N. Joseph
DOPLS Assistant to the Chief Operating Officer and Alert-Color Consultant
DOPLS Pubic Relations Officer
SAFE HARBOUR STATEMENT
DOPLS is Federally Traded on the Double-Secret Stock Exchange. You can’t buy it, but you better believe in it.
The US Department of Promised Land Security
Working hand in hole with the
US Ecclesiastic Department of Terror Alert Manipulations, Propaganda, Oratorios, and Nasty Sanctions (USED TAMPONS)
Heaven safe for Americans since September 11, 2001
~ Amen ~